


Ace of Spades

by nerakrose



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Gen, Self-Denial, Self-Discovery, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-14
Updated: 2012-09-14
Packaged: 2017-11-14 05:28:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerakrose/pseuds/nerakrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki slips into the stables to have a long think about a few things he's learned.</p><p>(Set after The Avengers.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ace of Spades

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to inside_the_veil and [mrs_jack_turner](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_jack_turner/pseuds/mrs_jack_turner) for looking this over for me and helping me sort it out. 
> 
> This story was inspired by [this card](http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g247/nerakrose/foto11-1.jpg) from a deck of cards, illustrated with the Nordic Gods, that I bought in Iceland this summer. I was both very amused and very pleased that Loki was an ace, and when I showed the card to the abovementioned girls, I picked the ace of spades because it's always been my favourite card.

_Oh! It_ was! _Well, when we're done here, maybe I'll pay her a visit myself!_

The words echoed in and around Loki, gradually getting louder and louder and reverberating off the walls, inside and out, until finally - he'd had enough.

It was quiet.

He was empty.

There was a snort behind him and a hoof scraped the dirt floor. A shuffle, and then - quiet breathing. The thick smell of horse permeated the air.

Loki's short time on Midgard had been educative. He'd learned a great many things about the humans but also a thing or two about himself. Some things, he didn't want to acknowledge. Others, he filed away in the 'improvement of the self' compartment of his mind and yet others he filed away under the 'undesirable change of the self'.

There was one thing, however. One tiny little thing, and it was nagging at him, _eating_ him up. It wasn't a change, it wasn't an improvement, it wasn't a setback, it wasn't... it wasn't exactly unclassifiable, it was merely a... fact. A new piece of information about himself that he hadn't had cause to consider before, a piece of information he had never needed, nor would have known what to do with, had he had it.

Like now.

He had thought himself weak in the past and had sought to conceal it. He'd made up excuses and explanations and none of them had been near the truth, simply because he hadn't understood himself; hadn't understood why his stomach revolted and why he was sickened with himself in those particular situations.

And the worst part was possibly that it was all the humans' fault, indirectly, inasmuch as the humans had a word for it and the asgardians _hadn't_ , and he'd learned it all from Barton, which was humiliating enough in itself. It was a tough pill to swallow; to think that the humans were that much more advanced in certain aspects, considering how young a species, how young a world - the asgardians were far more superior, but what difference had that superiority made in the long run, when the asgardians proved not to be as knowledgeable in the deeper intricacies of the mind and body?

Oh yeah, there was the not-actually-an-asgardian-part too. Ignoring that.

No, the actual worst part was that it made sense and that it was true. There was no denying it, and if he was honest - maybe he was relieved. _Relieved_.

It was a true explanation and it wasn't a weakness.

The disgust he felt with himself wasn't a weakness - the disgust he felt when he threatened to visit Thor's woman, it wasn't a weakness and he wasn't disgusted because of _sentiment_ , because of hurting Thor - maybe just a little - but because the mere thought of the _act_ disgusted him. The physicality of it.

Not because she was a midgardian.

And there had been other times in the past. Few and far between, including a failed marriage, but the most memorable had been Svaðilfari, and okay, that situation had been a _job_ and he'd been in pretty deep shit, and he _could've_ avoided the act. But, the semi-non-consensual part of the whole business hadn't been the reason behind his disgust and his subsequent shame. It'd been _the act_. It hadn't been the emotional impact, which'd been very little, and he hadn't been _weak_.

Relief didn't even begin to cover it.

_He wasn't weak._

He wasn't weak. He repeated the words once more and let relief take hold of him. Slowly, the tension of centuries leaked out of his body and was replaced with a semblance of peace, of relaxation.

Funny that, how realising a few key things about oneself brought that on. The humans were right about that part, much as he liked to not acknowledge it. Maybe he should bestow upon them a lavish gift as thanks. Maybe not.

He opened his eyes and stood up, brushing dirt off his trousers. His feet scuffed up the dust and the near overwhelming scent of earth, hay and horse filled his nostrils. The stables were quiet as their only inhabitant was fast asleep, legs tangled in a way that reminded Loki of years bygone, when his offspring had been but a filly, small and frail and easily excitable.

Funny, how he had so many children and yet had no sexuality to speak of.

His life was screwed up and _he_ was screwed up, and there was no denying that, but now there was one thing less to be screwed up for eternity to come. There was now one thing he knew, deep in his gut, was true and unchangeable. He now knew the cause of his all-consuming disgust and what was more important, he would never, ever have to feel it again. He could - and would - now avoid any and all sexual acts, having understood how they affected him.

He exited the stables silently and crossed the courtyard. He saw Thor from a distance, gazing over Asgard, and felt a small smile form on his lips. He'd never visited his woman, never touched her, and was glad of it now for more than one reason.

His punishment wasn't over yet, but it felt lighter now than it had before.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on MCU!Loki, but there are references to Mythologi!Loki. Also, Loki's marriage to Sigyn wasn't a failed one in any 'verse that I know of; that one is my own headcanon.


End file.
